A Cathode Ray Heat Wave

Baseball. Pool parties. Watermelon seed-spitting contests. These are the timeless rites of summer. But these days, the season hasn't officially arrived until you can surf yet another wave of summer reality TV.

If your idea of catching some rays is lying on your couch basking in the glow of the cathode gun, here's the scoop on what's worth watching and what's not, along with some things to keep in mind as you get doused with what, for all intents and purposes, is exactly the opposite of reality.

No Brits? No Reality.
American Idol has Simon Cowell. Dancing With the Stars has Len Goodman. Last summer saw another addition to the list of opinionated Englishmen hired for their outspokenness: world-renowned chef Gordon Ramsey. As star of Fox's Hell's Kitchen, the foul-mouthed restaurateur could make Cowell cower, and he's back for another go-round. While each of the show's 12 contestants competes to become executive chef at Las Vegas' new Red Rock Casino Resort, Ramsey continues his usual "berate them till they break" antics. He claims it's ultimately to prepare the group for the realities of the food biz: "I've always extracted the best out of individuals because I've pushed them to the absolute max. That's how you get perfection."

Perfection would be a show that, at the very least, network censors didn't have to bleep every third word. No such luck with this cook-off. Sizzling competition has its moments, but the verbal abuse can be hard to stomach.

That makes me turn to another import, who, thankfully, plays Ms. Nice Guy to Cowell's bark and Ramsey's bite. Maybe that's because U.K. personality Cat Deeley does little more than introduce acts as host of Fox's So You Think You Can Dance. The series cha-chas, krumps, tangos and waltzes its way through scads of dancers until a single versatile winner is awarded $100,000, a new car and a one-year contract for a top Vegas show. Routines can get steamy, songs suggestive and outfits really skimpy. But for sheer energy (and benevolent hosting), this show's hard to beat.

Don't Go on TV to Make Friends
Back for its seventh edition, Big Brother (which is set to premiere July 6 on CBS) will, I'm confident, once again prove that you can't trust anyone on the small screen—at least not any of the individuals who will be scheming, manipulating and lying their way to the top while sequestered in a (terribly decorated) house for three months. This time it's a best-of lineup, and familiar faces mean familiar problems, including frequent foul language, imminent "hookup" situations and a hefty dose of hot tubbing—and the skin that always accompanies it.

Producers Go With What's Hot
CBS isn't the only network highlighting tan lines. NBC, notorious for its blatant babes-in-bikinis routine with such past shows as Fear Factor and Dog Eat Dog, refuses to change strategies in its latest ratings quest, Treasure Hunters. Hoping to capitalize on the Da Vinci Code frenzy of secret codes and hidden societies, the show looks like an Amazing Race wannabe without any of that series' occasionally inspirational moments. Instead, we get, well, I've already said it, babes in bikinis, some Texas good ol' boys and a pastor's family eager to win at all costs. Values? What values?

It's Always About the Talent ... Sometimes.
Tired of gratuitous globetrotting? Wanna rock, instead? Last year during CBS' Rock Star, 15 singers wore their vocal chords down to threads trying to land a gig as INXS' new frontman. In the process, the karaoke roundabout produced surprisingly solid performances. This year (beginning July 5) contestants vie for a spot as lead singer of Supernova, a new band that will include ex-Metallica, Guns N' Roses and Mötley Crüe members. (Tommy Lee simply will not go away.) Expect this rock version of Idol to include lots of alcohol and the return of lingerie-clad host Brooke Burke.

By the end of this summer, no matter what Average Joes and trendy shows have survived, we'll be reminded once again of a central conceit of the genre: Everyone on reality TV is performing. It doesn't matter if it's on the stage of Simon Cowell's new offering, America's Got Talent, around the counter in Hell's Kitchen, or in one of Big Brother's back bedrooms. If network execs thought people would watch, Simon Cowell's Celebrity Watermelon Seed Spitting would be waiting in the wings.