TV's Terrible 'Twins'

Before The Apprentice. Before “You’re fired!” was trademarked. Before he made Saturday Night Live appearances and Domino’s pizza commercials, Donald Trump wrote a book called The Art of the Comeback. Recounting the multimillionaire’s rise from the ashes of near-bankruptcy, the book (sort of) gave tips on how to persevere through a dry spell.

The once-hot, now-desperate-for-work stars of The WB’s latest sitcom, Twins, may want to pick up a copy. Because I don’t recall the book saying anything about stooping to the lowest level possible to resurrect a career.

Work Needed
If anything, Twins’ biggest name, Melanie Griffith, is certainly being honest about the process of coming back. Now 48, she admits, “It’s weird to have been working in this business for 32 years and not get the jobs you used to get, or even the interviews and the scripts. It is scary, sad, humiliating and weird.” But after getting a script for Twins from executive producers David Kohan and Max Mutchnick (better known as the creators of Will & Grace), things seemed to be looking up for the former Oscar nominee. A couple of episodes later, she says she’s still adjusting to her return to the small screen after almost 30 years.

Don’t settle in just yet, Ms. Griffith. It’s unlikely Twins will last long—though it is a fascinating study in Hollywood standards. Griffith plays an ex-lingerie model and mother of—you guessed it—twins. She and her brainy husband (played by fellow fading star Mark Linn-Baker of Perfect Strangers fame) decide to name their daughters co-presidents of the Arnold Undergarments empire, which is set to release a line of women’s supportive panties called the “Butt-Pucker.” (The show’s terribly unfunny script has so far spent the bulk of its time playing off the way those two words sound together.)

Following in their parents’ footsteps, it’s a case of brains vs. beauty with the twins, who bicker about who runs the joint, who’s more important, who has the best ideas and who already has their next acting gig lined up. (OK, so maybe not that last one.) The smart brunette, played by Roseanne’s Sara Gilbert (yet another I’ll-take-anything star), designs undergarments and cracks jokes about the periodic table, yet appears to be the most normal of the group. The dim-witted blonde (Passions’ Molly Stanton) models the company's underwear and is unapologetically shallow (“What matters is: Do you look hot? Do guys want to sleep with you? Do girls want to be you?”).

By the end of Episode 1, the girls make amends after suffering through a ridiculously cheesy speech from Dad about families needing to appreciate differences. But the damage has been done, as we’ve already been forced to endure jokes about lesbianism, incest, the male anatomy, child pornography, bathroom activities, eating disorders and homosexuality.

This Is What Families Do?
With such crude, sophomoric humor, it’s a wonder that Twins’ producers are actually treating this series as if it tackles deep social issues. Kohan describes the underlying theme as, “How does the world perceive these two people, and which one is valued more? That’s going to be the ongoing tension of the series.” Hmm, deep ... until the producer continues: “It’s like, despite all of our differences and all of our issues, at the end of the day, we make s--- work because that’s what families do.”

Actually, that’s what producers do when a show’s premise has more formula in it than a bottle of Similac. It’s also what some actors seem willing to do to keep working. Griffith blames her age. “Unless you are Meryl Streep, there are not a lot of opportunities for women in their 40s. ... I think it is unfortunate in the sense that we get better as we get older; we get more interesting. It is sad that whoever it is just wants to see a 20-year-old woman’s face as opposed to a 40- or 50-year-old woman’s heart, essence and brains.”

I’ll buy that. Television is a huge culprit when it comes to pushing whatever’s young, hot and hip. However, Mrs. Antonio Banderas (who mysteriously looks younger than both her onscreen daughters) later proceeds to disagree with herself, stating, “The television industry has realized that people are more interesting when they’re older.”

Wait ... so what’s to blame here? Hollywood’s what-have-you-done-for-me-lately attitude toward the 40-plus crowd? TV’s lust for brash—young—beauties willing to put their bodies on full display? Or is it actors and actresses’ willingness to be part of a system that sells sex, mocks age and does little more than regurgitate failed situation comedies?

I’ll take “D”—all of the above. And I’ll consider this a failed comeback by all accounts.